


pearl aqua moon

by toastygat



Category: SHINee
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's a gender neutral lover btw, M/M, Multi, Other, Please read if you're ready, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 08:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13543374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toastygat/pseuds/toastygat
Summary: You can read as if this were Jonghyun's lover or someone pining for him, dealing with his lost and remembering all the beautiful times they had together.





	pearl aqua moon

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I did this. I didn't really know how to cope with this situation, so please read if you're ready.

Seeing him was hurtful but beautiful, ** _"It's you, it's you, it's all for you everything I do"_** I wonder if the world was truly built for two, only worth living if you're loving me, maybe I'm just being pathetic.

The bells rang hard when I was passing by your old house, the one with the pool where we had parties with our friends at the time. When your big brown eyes where looking back at mine talking to me without you really saying anything, laying down in the bed that was on the floor by back glass door. Holding me in your arms while beautiful jazz music that you own is playing in the background, and I can't remember a more heavenly moment in my life, where I felt whole with you.

Our friends playing with each other almost falling because of the amount of alcohol in their systems, even though we both didn't like getting that piss drunk.

Your laughter, and your smile, shining so brightly that the sun was jealous of your shine, I wish I could relive those beautiful moments where everything felt warm and nothing hurt, when I could just breathe and I would feel the happiest beside you.

Remember that time I was angry at the world because nothing went like I wanted to, when this particular day I want everything to go well or as planned it doesn't? and I was a crying wreck, wailing like a baby and even then when you were tired you took care of me, holding me once again like I'm your world, patting and kissing my forehead with your petal like lingering lips, your soft hands that have lots of rings, because you owned a shit ton of them. I wish I could go back, what ifs aren't good for anything but I wish I were a better person at that time for you.

The sound of your velvety voice, softer than satin was the night and the huge moon that loomed before me when I first saw you, having the time of your life, they say the brightest stars are already dead but your shine wasn't traveling through space, but almost bursting at that exact moment, you reborning every night in that space that was too small for a big star.

I know that remembering our love hurts more than heals, but our beautiful love story sorrowfully had to have a tragic ending.

I wish I could've done something, useless saying it now that I'm here watching our album filled with moments thar are engrained both in my brain and heart and most surely my soul.

_You're on a better place now, I know having an angel so close to me had to be too good to be true, I feel sorry and pitiful and I don't think I'll even get over this kind of feeling._

My days lately feel rutinary, you more than anyone knew how much I loathe my life going in circles, maybe I do hate stability.

 _ **"Hey babe, how you doing? would you like a little company?"**_ while your raspy almost sleepy voice sang to my hears in almost a whisper, when you knew I wasn't okay. Seeing the stars and constellations in the roof of our house was one of the precious memories I have of you, pointing our fingers at the sky until I saw my phone thinking it was too late but I didn't care.

The moon was our old romantic witness when we longed for each other and weren't close to cuddle each other in the cold nights.

I loved movies with you, when we started commenting on them or when our touches lingered in my already cold hands, or when our limbs were on top of eachother.

I often feel selfish for wanting all your love for me, I don't own your affection. I'm truly a fool for you.

When you were stressed and I didn't know what to do I hugged you and listened, as well when you were thriving with joy and playing the piano for family reunions you invited me to.

It's been a month and a week since the event and I still want to wake up from this nightmare.

Sadness consumes me, and sometimes I feel too weak to get out of bed, I don't want to face the reality without you. I feel like I had borrowed time from the heavens to have you in my life and you were the biggest blessing, I will always love you, there is nothing denying that.

The moon has been my companion on the lonely nights, even though people hurting that also loved you tried to help me heal.

I've been noticing your favorite color everywhere lately, grief it's a strange feeling and what it does to you, feels like you're almost going out of your mind.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not entitled to this pain sometimes, remembering that I'm not the one who had to bury her son, your mom and I have been close to eachother more than ever, we never had a bad relationship, but horrible things sometimes unite unlikely duos, your friends have been lovely to me, even if they're as hurt as I am.

**_I read in the news that there was a blue super moon coming at the end of the month._ **

I don't know if this is the delusion and grief but I believe that you're sending me messages from the moon, our romantic companion until the end. I hope you're doing great, because you deserve to not be suffering in this terrible world.

**_I feel the world was never deservant of someone so good like you, all you did was love and the world wanted to ruin that._ **

Watching your old videos feels nostalgic, it's still hard to listen to your voice and laughter without crying, but sometimes listening to you is the only thing that calms me, after all you were a radio host.

Your big brown eyes and your soft hair that changed multiple times, the soothing but joyful feeling I got when you touched me, the way you spoke and were protective of me, even though I wanted to be brave enough to be the one protecting you, I know is just a set of words that depending on who says it the emotion is different but your I love you's I could never forget, I never liked gentleman like guys but to generalize you like that would be a lie, you were more of a knight anyways.

I know this is nobodies fault but, I still feel if I'd been a little stronger and braver I'd probably been more deservant of you and could've helped, I'm not angry anymore but nostalgia is as considerate to me as it is deadly for my mental state.

Joking around and doing the dishes together, doing laundry while cleaning the house, making a meal together and watching a movie afterwards, mundane things that made my heart warm like a nice funky song, dancing slowly with you and laughing at each others extraness.

 _ **"But baby, baby, please don't leave me. Oh wait like in that movie, how did it go? "city of stars are you shinin' just for meee?"** _ you used to sing my favorite songs while I cuddling with you in cold days, but now even my blankets feel cold and the warmth will probably never be the same.

I haven't played the piano since the last time I saw you, because my hands shake and go instantly cold when I'm close to doing it. But this day I decided to be brave and writing this, watching old photos and indulging in memories without feeling great misery or melancholy it was mostly nostalgia that made me laugh a bit but then the tears couldn't stop flowing, if I didn't do it now I'd probably never do it.

I don't want to say goodbye, because I'm not good at goodbyes, your letter has been in a part of my brain hiding, I don't want to bear with reality, never wanted and at this exact moment reality is something I want to remove myself from.

This house is filled with memories, both hurtful and relieving, I don't want to leave this place but I know if I keep living here it's going to be too much for me, but I know I'd never forget this home and the person that loved me in these not so spacious walls.

**_I just miss you, and I will always love you._ **


End file.
